Support

This blog will be a chronicle of my life as a woman married to a bipolar man. I know that I will NEVER understand what he goes through on a daily basis. However, he will never understand how tortured I am as his loving support. My husband and I are current members of DBSA, but I notice that when attending meetings I am the ONLY support person there. Though it feels great to support my husband through his hardships, I don't feel that I get the full support that I need. I want other supporters to know that there are more of us out there. We're all dealing with our loved ones manic episodes, severe depression, suicidal thoughts, sleeping throughout the day, manic spending sprees and so much more. I understand, I've been through it, I'm GOING through it. We can support each other. We NEED to support each other. We are not alone.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Past Continued...

On my way to the airport I just couldn't fathom what was happening. I called his parents to ask if they had ANY idea where he may have gone or why? They seemed to know nothing and acted quite surprised. I spoke to my sister and she and I both agreed it MUST be some type of mental illness. People who are happy and newly married don't just disappear without any kind of warning at all!

When I reached the airport my ride and I found my car and began searching it for clues. The only items we found were 1) my husband's work provided laptop 2) his work badge 3) a parking garage ticket with a timestamp of 3:17 PM, and 4) a 1/2 full orange soda. No clues as to where or, more importantly, why he went. I gave the laptop and badge to the former coworker who gave me a ride. I thought she might have an easier time returning them to his employer since she was still employed there.

While searching the car I made one more call which was to one of my husband's sisters...

I hate to digress, but there is something I should say about his family. Though I love them dearly, but they are extremely secretive. They are also in a constant state of denial of ALL mental health (as well as other) issues within the family. My husband had made me aware of their secretiveness  before we were married, but I had NO idea to what extent.

I remember speaking to his sister and specifically asking, "Does ______ have ANY history of being diagnosed with with ANY type of mental illness? Schizophrenia?? Bipolar?? Anything?" I received the response of, "Nooooo, not DIAGNOSED." What an outright LIE. Over the coming days I would find out to what extent. I am still upset with her for blatantly lying about that. Not to mention how upset I am with the rest of his family for never mentioning that this disappearance was not an isolated issue. Maybe that I should have EXPECTED it. Any time they had spoken of his past it was always presented in a very deceitful way. More of a, "when he was younger he liked to travel a lot." That was HONESTLY how it was presented to me before this all happened. Come to find out it was not like that at all.

I made my way into the airport and proceeded to ask all the airlines within the terminal if they could tell me where my husband had flown to. Absolutely not! If my name was not listed on his purchase then there was no way to find out. I felt completely defeated and decided it was time to go back home. My ride paid for the parking fee of $15 as I only had $7 to my name.

I had started to feel numb. I thought that I could possibly find a clue at home. There was nothing. The only thing that appeared to be missing was his passport. That was not a good sign.

I called the local police department and placed a missing persons report. The officer that came to our apartment was a woman and was very rude. She just kept asking if there were problems at home or if we'd had a fight. Every time I answered no she would roll her eyes and look at me as though I was a liar. I honestly wanted to punch her in the face, but I think that may have been my frustration in not knowing anything about what was going on.

Once the officer was gone, I reached out to two specific "friends" on my facebook for answers. One was his most recent ex-girlfriend (also a former co-worker of mine). The other was his ex-wife. The only reason I began to find out anything about his past was because of these two women. I am eternally grateful to them for opening up to me and sharing his secrets. The list was long and shocking:

-Yes he was bipolar
-He was diagnosed while in the Marines (over 12 years ago) by a civilian psychiatrist
-He had disappeared every 5-8 months while married to his first wife
-He had planned on committing suicide a minimum of 3 times, all by gun.
-He had been hospitalized once
-His discharge in the Marines was based on 1) his mental health diagnosis and 2) going AWOL for 175 days (one of his many disappearances)
-He had been married a second time that he had not informed me of
-While in the Marines he had been forced to go through anger management courses because of his tendency to have "outbursts" at people, including superior officers
-A history of drug and alcohol abuse

There is so much more that I'm sure I'm missing on that list. I was overwhelmed by facts. Our entire relationship felt like it was based on lies. While we were dating I had even specifically asked him 1) if he had ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist and 2) if he had ever tried to commit suicide. He had admitted to seeing a psychiatrist once, but that nothing had ever come of it. He did outright lie about the suicide though. Then again, to him he was probably telling the truth. After all he had never actually pulled the trigger of the gun, therefore he had never actually TRIED to commit suicide.

The facts just kept coming and coming. Over this period of time his ex-wife and I became good friends. It was nice to speak with someone who knew exactly what I was going through. It was absolute torture not knowing where he was, if he was alive, what he was going through, why he left, etc. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat...and if I did attempt to eat it would come back up anyway. I managed to stay hydrated because water was the only thing I could keep down. If I wasn't by the computer, hoping he would find some way to get in touch with me, I was pacing in the living room and staring out the front door. I half expected him to be walking up the street.

His ex-wife assured me that he would call in about 7-10 days, crying and begging to come home. All I could to at this point was play the waiting game.

To be continued...

4 comments:

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